We are expected to have good boundaries and follow social rules when invited into another person’s home.
We ring the doorbell, wait to be invited in, and then sit where we are told to sit. We don’t open the cupboards or wander around, and we usually find a way to give a compliment related to the home’s décor. Yet, when children are part of this picture and an adult is left in charge in your home, boundaries can quickly become blurred if good communication and clear expectations are not in place. Many people wonder about how they can best communicate and share family values and maintain boundaries with grandparents, babysitters, other caregivers, and neighbors.
Whether you are wanting to set boundaries related to discipline approaches, expectations for your children’s diet, or areas of your home that are “off limits,” it is essential to have a plan for communicating these desires with the adult in charge. We all know it’s easy for kids to say, “It’s okay, my parents wouldn’t mind” and test the boundaries. This type of situation leaves the well-intended adult in a tricky situation, and they end up using their own values to make a decision, which may not be aligned with your hopes or expectations.
Here are some tips for setting boundaries with other caregivers in your home:
- State your boundaries or limits in a way that is positive rather than critical: e.g. “My work space needs to remain well-organized and confidential for my customers, so this area is off limits” or “I want to make sure the kids are getting a nutrient-dense diet, so please make sure they eat one piece of fruit tonight.”
- Avoid universal or vague statements that may have a different meaning for different people: e.g. “No junk food” or “Not too much TV time.”
- Well-formed communication of boundaries includes statements that are specific, include time, place, and specific behaviors or instructions: e.g. “Here is a copy of the kids’ bedtime routine to follow” or “They can watch 30 minutes of TV tonight.”
Do a self-check. While it is not feasible to set boundaries for every possible situation, you do have awareness of your values for raising your children. It is not important for you to communicate an expectation for every situation that could possibly come up while you are away. It is important for you to set boundaries in areas that are most important to you and your family values.
Ask yourself:
- What is your comfort level with caregivers taking and posting pictures of your children on social media?
- Are there certain activities you are not comfortable having your children do with a different caregiver?
- What are your beliefs related to your children using electronics?
- How well have you communicated these expectations?
Minor boundary “violations” may be inevitable, particularly as you form new relationships. If a boundary concern develops, address the issue as soon as possible. When addressing the concern there are a few key points to highlight:
- Clarify what happened and what standards/values are of concern
- Understand why this occurred, and one or both parties should accept responsibility
- Develop a plan for forgiveness and prevention of similar issues in the future
